I’m gonna die. It’s not like it’s a big shock, what with being a demi-god and all. I mean, death has kinda been on the table as a serious likelihood since I first hit adolescence. But this time I’m pretty sure I’m a goner. What’s worse I’m probably gonna die at the hands of the last person in the world.. er… worlds? you want to piss off before dying. I think I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me start over.
Me and the guys just got back from Hades. The place, not the dude. On my list of favorite places, it’s.. not. Apparently Thomas managed to get himself into some kinda bind down there and needed us to pull his ass out. Not to big a deal, he’s saved us plenty of times. But still a trip into the underworld should wrack up some brownie points.
Getting there wasn’t too bad, narrowly escaped some giant spiders in Thomas’ cave, scored cheap passage from the boatman, and got to see Cerberus which is always nice. Also Gabe actually managed to pull off some awesome taking out a freakin’ hydra in one shot. That kid might actually become a badass someday if he ever realizes he’s got the best combat history of our little group. Things were actually going pretty well for a trip into the deepest pits of the afterlife from which no mortal should ever return.
That is until I stopped to smell the roses, or daffodils, or whatever they were. Stupid flower looked out of place and was kinda creepin me out so I did the sensible thing and burned it. well next thing i know a bunch more pop up in it’s place, so i figure i’ve got the best flaming green thumb in the history of the underworld. light a few more on fire to see what happens cause who knows what crazy rules things down there follow. next thing i know we’re face to face with Persephone, Queen of the Underworld, Flower-o-phile extraordinaire, and royal pain in my bellows. apparently those flowers were hers and she thought i’d make a good mushroom.
to be honest the exact course of events around that time are a little fuzzy. switching genus will do that to a guy i guess. all I know is that i ended up making some oaths on the river styx. (like i don’t have enough of those wracking up) those oaths are the cause of my current predicament, but again I’m getting ahead of myself. as we continued into the underworld we finally found Thomas fighting with some kids in roman armor and arguing with Herr Burgermeister Meisterburger. something about becoming the furries asshole? i don’t know and frankly i don’t care. We’ve kicked this guy around the world of the living i was more than ready to kick him around the world of the dead. so i sent Ruxpin after him.
First off let me just say I love that bear. he took Herr Nazipants right out of the fight. when Ruxpin got off Herr Goosestepperstein, Gabe wrapped him up with a crazy arrow rope thing and we knocked him out. He must have had some sorta mental control over the kids Thomas was fighting cause when he went out they did too. apparently we did too good a job cause Thomas was afraid they wouldn’t make it. so Tim and I had to rush to the River Lethe to get some water. Apparently the underworld has five rivers. the Styx is river of hate; the Akheron, sorrow; Kokytos, lamentation, and Phlegethon river of fire. The Lethe is the river of unmindfulness. means you touch it you forget stuff. why can’t i ever go to the river of fire? I’m good with fire. but no, it’s always “swear on the river of hate Tofur, get water from the river of forgetfulness Tofur, cry me a river of lamentation Tofur.” OK, so no one’s ever asked me to do the third but still river of fire, son of the god of volcanoes, you’d think of the five i might have some interaction with the fire one.
anyways, at the river of forgetfulness Tim almost fell in and we both apparently got touched by some river spirit. I don’t know about Tim, but getting touched by the spirit of a river that wipes peoples minds rings alarm gongs the size of a cyclopes’ dinner plate. can’t shake the feeling I’m probably forgetting something and i don’t think i’ll be able to remember. in the end though we got the water, saved the kids, and got the heck out of there.
That was all yesterday. I ended the day pretty sure I was safe. At least as safe as any of us is with the war against Kronos and his goon squad hanging over the camp like a burial shroud. even Beckindorf has been on edge lately and he’s usually pretty laid back. But aside from the looming threat of attack from an army of monsters, traitors, and titans, i was OK. then i tried to get ahold of her majesty and got a busy signal. lines are down. how does a system of communication that routes calls through the goddess of rainbows even go down? so i go talk to Thomas cause he’s the authority on all things underworld. and the only authority figure that i don’t want to smack regularly. seems that just about all routes in and out of Hades (the place) have been cut off by Hades (the dude). Am I the only one that thinks they should really get around to making that a bit less ambiguous?
So at Thomas’ recommendation I write a letter to Persephone. problem is that Hades (the place) is locked up tighter than the stick up Hades’ (the dude’s) backside. So in order to make sure that the letter gets where i want it to or at least i get to talk directly to somebody, i may have chosen to word my letter to sound as though there was a bit more to my encounter with Princess Petals than me promising to build her something if she doesn’t turn me into a fungus again. Gods i hate when plans work. Now Hades (the dude) thinks I’m getting fresh with his wife. I’ve never even been able to land a date with a normal girl, let alone a married goddess. And of course Queen Pomegranate did nothing to help plead my case. lets see, this brings the tally of gods that actively hate me to 3. killed Zeus’s bird, gave Dionysus a splitting headache, and sent a love letter to the wife of the lord of the underworld. I’m a deadman. worst of all that pasty angst fiend busted up Ruxpin, tore his head right off. hopefully the body’s intact and I can get repairs done before Kronos decides to get of his big golden ass and fight us. had a few upgrades in mind anyways. the gold weapons those kids Thomas was fighting gave me some ideas.